Only Words

"Happy Friday to everyone who is reading and will be reading this post," said Jaqueline about 3 weeks ago when she actually wrote this. LOL

So, I am sorry for the long post and just keep in mind I wrote this a little while back. I am finally going to publish it because I just wasn't sure before.

Today, (as in 3 weeks ago) I want to just (try to) talk about a couple of things. I am going to treat this post like pieces of paper from a diary. I am as open and transparent as I can be but sometimes the lack of being shut up for pretty much my whole life, has made it hard to open my heart and mind but mostly my mouth to the things I feel inside. With all the honesty in the world I write down these words hoping that maybe it'll reach at least one person who can relate and mostly I am writing because writing always helps me feel better. Sorry if I lose my train of thought.

This isn't perfectly written, I may have some typos, some run on sentences, horrible punctuation but just keep reading and bare with me.

First of all and MOST importantly, I want to say that I love my family, I love the way I was raised because it has made me who I am today. I appreciate my dad so much for being the type of dad he was to me. Although most people didn't and wont understand it or see eye to eye with his ways, the way my dad raised me made me into a person that people enjoy to be around and love, someone who is hardworking, smart, independent and in a weird sense he made me strong. I am grateful for the way my life has been so far although it has not been easy.

That being said, I share with all of you reading, some of my deepest feelings today. I don't know how to start but here we go.

How I've felt my whole life:

Ever since I can remember, I have always felt useless and as if I am not good enough and I know I am not the only one who has felt that way. After years and years of not getting an "I am proud of you daughter" from my parents, my older sister sat me down and said this to me, "You have to do things for yourself."

AND SO I DID.

Now?
 I know that my parents are proud, because how can they not be? I've been doing pretty darn good for the past 4 years on my own.

BUT, that's just my family part of things.

What about my person, my self, my feelings about me, my self esteem, my self confidence, my trust in people, my trust in him and Him and me, and what about my SELF LOVE? My mind is funny.... it plays tricks on me. Telling me I'm not what I am and am what I am not. Not only my mind but there are people who try to come in my life and tell me that I am things I know I am far from.

I've had some really bad people come in my life, and when I was younger, there was no one to protect me from it. As I got older, I didn't know how to protect myself from the monster.......

and the monsters that followed after that one.

I just did what I knew to do, and that was LOVE. The amount of love that I give is too much for my own good. Crazy right?

People will not love you the way you love them and they will not do for you what you do for them, they will not treat you, respect you, appreciate you, cherish you, admire you, hold you, kiss you, miss you, please you, understand you..... like you do them... And that's life.

I have been put down, thrown down, spit on and stepped on and I stay down for long periods of time sometimes. I stay down and no one can pick me up but the person who threw me down. But the only thing they do is push me down harder as I try to get up.... and that delays my getting up.

UNTIL: One Day.....

I couldn't believe my eyes as I ran up to the door to tell you the good news I had... I couldn't believe it... "Oh no" the little voices in my head said... "Oh no, not again."

I begged for the truth..

Your mouth told me lies
but I could see the truth clearly coming from your eyes.
They say the eyes are the windows to a soul...
something like that at least, I've heard it many times before.
and now all I see is a dirty mind
and I cant shake the thoughts that you surely left in mine.
I'm pretty sure this is not the second time.
I cant shake the feeling and the hurt that others left behind
Don't even apologize, trust me.... i'll be fine.
the fact that you said my heart would be better off in your hands
I've been hurt so many times before, I promise this will come to pass
Surprised tears even came out, I really thought I had none left .
I was starting to get concerned, if the water in my body was at all wet...
Honestly I don't even know what I write anymore.
I need to go shopping for some lines at the kurt brodie store...

THE END PEOPLE...... THE END OF THIS POST....

Thanks for reading amigos, come back for more of my none sense, some sense, and for my two cents.

WHAT JAQUELINE???

IDK anymore (insert laughing emoji)

-Jaqueline Herrera